Modern Dating and the Illusion of Options
Modern Dating and the Illusion of Options
5 MIN READ
Jan 31, 2024
It’s 11 a.m., and you’re sitting alone in a cafe, trying to read your book. A girl walks by. She goes directly to the bar and asks for a blueberry cheesecake. You put your book down and notice her taking it to her table, enjoying it by herself. You wonder if you should ask her for her time, but she seems so happy with her cheesecake, so you decide not to. You try to read your book again, but you can’t focus. You feel an urge to talk to her, so you gather all your courage. You leave the book on the table, gulp your espresso, fix your shirt, walk up to her, and ask for her name. She looks at you with big, wide eyes and introduces herself. She invites you to sit next to her, and you have a conversation that keeps you immersed. It’s thrilling, but not in the ‘I met my soulmate’ way; more in the ‘I had a good time’ way. She checks her watch. You worry that you’ve taken up too much of her time. You politely ask for her number, and she gives it to you. That night, you lie in bed, replaying the conversation. You remember how she laughed when she realised you both were wearing the same shoes. You take out your phone and message her, “Hey.” What a rewarding feeling! How hopeful. How romantic.
What I like about this imaginative piece is that it involves a phone at the very end. You think of her and your hopeful future together. She might be your soulmate, or not, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you know the reward you received is because of your efforts.
Imagine you had a tough day at work. You come home, change into your pyjamas, watch your comforting TV show, and have dinner. You remember that you need to order vegetables for tomorrow. While the TV show plays in the background, you open Instamart and add some vegetables to your cart. Then, you get a notification from Amazon. The headset you’ve been wanting for months is finally at the price you want. You click on it. Thirty minutes later, you find yourself looking at 52-inch TV options. You don’t need it, but it would be nice to have. Now, you feel overwhelmed by the decisions you have to make. You find yourself scrolling through Instagram reels, losing track of time.
Suddenly, you realise how late it is. You decide to focus on ordering the vegetables. Now the store’s closed. It’s late at night. You’re feeling lonely. You install ‘Hinge,’ an app ‘designed to be deleted,’ as their marketing says. How hopeful. You create your profile and start swiping. You match with some girls. You’re talking to five of them at the same time. Most of them think, “You’re super cute.” Suddenly, your height, sun sign, and face matter. Things that you have no control over. You feel powerful yet at the mercy of these girls. You remember that if they had the power to reject you, so did you. It was equitable.
Out of the five you’re currently speaking to, one piques your interest. You ask her out for coffee, and she agrees. You meet. It’s awkward at first because she doesn’t look as pristine as in her photographs. You realised the importance of lighting that day. You wonder if she, too, is noticing your flaws more. You order your espresso, and she orders a blueberry cheesecake. Although you judge her 11 a.m. cheesecake order, it is an immersive conversation. She makes you notice that you both are wearing the same shoes, and you share a genuine laugh with her. The date is not bad. She looks at her watch, and you realise she has to be elsewhere. You both politely say your goodbyes. Your auto arrives. Given the traffic in Bangalore, you spend the next forty-odd minutes swiping. How anti-climatic.
In the modern day of online dating, the illusion of options that I speak about is the very fact that it is an illusion. You will never be completely captivated by someone anymore. People have preconceived notions about how the date should go and how they should look. But people are people; they are not static images. They can only look perfect when the light falls on their faces in the right places. This perfection occurs only in those milliseconds. There will always be the notion in the back of your mind that perhaps the next one will be better. You do not have the courage to walk up to a girl in the physical realm. But now, you have access to millions of girls in every part of the world in the digital realm. It is a sweet deal, but is it the best one?
I want to make it clear that I’m not saying whether it’s right or wrong. I’m merely sharing my observations. There’s no dilemma, no solution, because there is no problem. Maybe this works for you and helps with your loneliness. It is interesting to have different meals with different people, I can’t deny that. But if you see yourself as a hopeless romantic looking for ‘the one,’ I’m sorry to say that the chances are very slim.
We do hear success stories of people finding love online, which gives us hope. Wanting to fall in love is a strong desire. We constantly expose ourselves to odes to love in songs, films, and books. It’s all around us. Even in a horror film, the hero first falls in love. We condition ourselves to believe that love is everything. As if a chemical must be released in our brains when we see ‘the one.’ I call bullshit on that.
In my very limited experience, allow me to share my perspective on love and dating. If you can have a conversation without checking your phone or swiping, that’s a good start. Remember, beauty doesn’t last forever. What’s the point of a pretty face if they don’t stimulate your mind? Does height matter? And what if he’s a Scorpio? (at least, he’s not a Cancer. I’m kidding.) Love doesn’t happen instantly. The act of falling in love is an enchanting but slow process. I would go so far as to say that if they don’t make your heart race on the very first date, that’s a very good sign. They’re not making you feel anxious. Don’t base your idea of love on movies or even this. Let it happen. Don’t anticipate it or try to predict it. If it’s meant to happen, nothing can stop it.
It feels more rewarding when you put in the effort. So respect yourself, your time, and your energy. Your time on this planet is finite. Do you want to spend it always looking for something better? Or do you want to relish the present moment?
All you have is now, so make the most of your time. That’s all.
It’s 11 a.m., and you’re sitting alone in a cafe, trying to read your book. A girl walks by. She goes directly to the bar and asks for a blueberry cheesecake. You put your book down and notice her taking it to her table, enjoying it by herself. You wonder if you should ask her for her time, but she seems so happy with her cheesecake, so you decide not to. You try to read your book again, but you can’t focus. You feel an urge to talk to her, so you gather all your courage. You leave the book on the table, gulp your espresso, fix your shirt, walk up to her, and ask for her name. She looks at you with big, wide eyes and introduces herself. She invites you to sit next to her, and you have a conversation that keeps you immersed. It’s thrilling, but not in the ‘I met my soulmate’ way; more in the ‘I had a good time’ way. She checks her watch. You worry that you’ve taken up too much of her time. You politely ask for her number, and she gives it to you. That night, you lie in bed, replaying the conversation. You remember how she laughed when she realised you both were wearing the same shoes. You take out your phone and message her, “Hey.” What a rewarding feeling! How hopeful. How romantic.
What I like about this imaginative piece is that it involves a phone at the very end. You think of her and your hopeful future together. She might be your soulmate, or not, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you know the reward you received is because of your efforts.
Imagine you had a tough day at work. You come home, change into your pyjamas, watch your comforting TV show, and have dinner. You remember that you need to order vegetables for tomorrow. While the TV show plays in the background, you open Instamart and add some vegetables to your cart. Then, you get a notification from Amazon. The headset you’ve been wanting for months is finally at the price you want. You click on it. Thirty minutes later, you find yourself looking at 52-inch TV options. You don’t need it, but it would be nice to have. Now, you feel overwhelmed by the decisions you have to make. You find yourself scrolling through Instagram reels, losing track of time.
Suddenly, you realise how late it is. You decide to focus on ordering the vegetables. Now the store’s closed. It’s late at night. You’re feeling lonely. You install ‘Hinge,’ an app ‘designed to be deleted,’ as their marketing says. How hopeful. You create your profile and start swiping. You match with some girls. You’re talking to five of them at the same time. Most of them think, “You’re super cute.” Suddenly, your height, sun sign, and face matter. Things that you have no control over. You feel powerful yet at the mercy of these girls. You remember that if they had the power to reject you, so did you. It was equitable.
Out of the five you’re currently speaking to, one piques your interest. You ask her out for coffee, and she agrees. You meet. It’s awkward at first because she doesn’t look as pristine as in her photographs. You realised the importance of lighting that day. You wonder if she, too, is noticing your flaws more. You order your espresso, and she orders a blueberry cheesecake. Although you judge her 11 a.m. cheesecake order, it is an immersive conversation. She makes you notice that you both are wearing the same shoes, and you share a genuine laugh with her. The date is not bad. She looks at her watch, and you realise she has to be elsewhere. You both politely say your goodbyes. Your auto arrives. Given the traffic in Bangalore, you spend the next forty-odd minutes swiping. How anti-climatic.
In the modern day of online dating, the illusion of options that I speak about is the very fact that it is an illusion. You will never be completely captivated by someone anymore. People have preconceived notions about how the date should go and how they should look. But people are people; they are not static images. They can only look perfect when the light falls on their faces in the right places. This perfection occurs only in those milliseconds. There will always be the notion in the back of your mind that perhaps the next one will be better. You do not have the courage to walk up to a girl in the physical realm. But now, you have access to millions of girls in every part of the world in the digital realm. It is a sweet deal, but is it the best one?
I want to make it clear that I’m not saying whether it’s right or wrong. I’m merely sharing my observations. There’s no dilemma, no solution, because there is no problem. Maybe this works for you and helps with your loneliness. It is interesting to have different meals with different people, I can’t deny that. But if you see yourself as a hopeless romantic looking for ‘the one,’ I’m sorry to say that the chances are very slim.
We do hear success stories of people finding love online, which gives us hope. Wanting to fall in love is a strong desire. We constantly expose ourselves to odes to love in songs, films, and books. It’s all around us. Even in a horror film, the hero first falls in love. We condition ourselves to believe that love is everything. As if a chemical must be released in our brains when we see ‘the one.’ I call bullshit on that.
In my very limited experience, allow me to share my perspective on love and dating. If you can have a conversation without checking your phone or swiping, that’s a good start. Remember, beauty doesn’t last forever. What’s the point of a pretty face if they don’t stimulate your mind? Does height matter? And what if he’s a Scorpio? (at least, he’s not a Cancer. I’m kidding.) Love doesn’t happen instantly. The act of falling in love is an enchanting but slow process. I would go so far as to say that if they don’t make your heart race on the very first date, that’s a very good sign. They’re not making you feel anxious. Don’t base your idea of love on movies or even this. Let it happen. Don’t anticipate it or try to predict it. If it’s meant to happen, nothing can stop it.
It feels more rewarding when you put in the effort. So respect yourself, your time, and your energy. Your time on this planet is finite. Do you want to spend it always looking for something better? Or do you want to relish the present moment?
All you have is now, so make the most of your time. That’s all.
